Residual Consequences
by Nienna29
Summary: SEQUAL TO THAT BLONDE ONE: Ed is in the hospital recovering from his last mission. Meanwhile, Roy Mustang continues to be haunted by memories of his backfired prank at the club. Will Roy continue to be traumatized or will he get used to the idea? COMPLETE
1. The Hilarity Commences

Sequel to _That Blonde One_

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA in any way, shape or form. If I did, it would have to be classified as a comedy.

Warnings: RoyEd action (by popular demand) and, of course, the total desecration of FMA as we know it! :D

o0o

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!"

"That's the last time I come all the way over here because you were being stupid!" Winry chastised. "You have to be more careful, Edward. It looked like you took you arm off and threw it against a wall."

"Ugh! I know you're mad, Winry, but you could've waited until I was awake to put my arm back on!" Then, Ed's expression softened. "Thanks. I know you didn't have to come all the way to Central. You should get some rest. It late and you look almost as bad as I feel."

For a moment, Winry's temper flared but then she smiled and gave Ed a hug, "Your welcome, Ed. Get well soon, okay?"

"Sure thing."

~Later~

His fingers tangled in soft golden hair as he kissed the most beautiful creature in the entire world. Slowly, sensually, he pushed his love of the moment down onto the bed and slid a hand under a black shirt to squeeze a nipple playfully. He was rewarded with a deep moan. That pushed him to his limit. He could no longer bear to take this slow.

"Take off your clothes, Fullmetal. That's an order."

"Yes sir, Colonel Mustang."

Roy Mustang was practically drooling as Ed stripped down to his skin utilizing his recently learned…skills. Finally naked, Ed sauntered over to Roy and boldly unzipped the other's pants to pull out a painfully throbbing member. Mustang whimpered involuntarily at the touch. Now that the hole was uncovered and the peg free, there was no need to wait. Roy slammed Ed down face-first and set himself up to enter his subordinate.

"Wait! Don't you need to prepare me or something," came Ed's panicked voice.

"Sure, but I don't really CARE!"

With that, Mustang fully sheathed himself inside Ed with one almighty thrust. Ed buried his face in the pillow to stifle his surprised cry. Roy was soon in complete bliss. On the edge if his consciousness, Roy could hear Ed calling out his name over and over.

"Roy, Roy, Roy! Wake up Roy!"

Wake up? Colonel Mustang opened his eyes. Sunlight was streaming through his window and Maes Hughes was standing over his bed giving him an odd look.

"What time is it?"

"It's half past seven. You're really late. I was starting to worry about you."

Mustang mumbled something incoherent and stumbled out of bed only to scream and jump back under the blankets. It would seem that his dream had spilled over into reality a little too much for his dignity.

"I don't wanna know," Huges muttered as he left. This was bad, very bad.

o0o

Well, there's the little teaser chapter thingy. I have no idea where this story is going to go. I guess we'll all embark on a rather yaoi ridden-journey into the unknown. Happy trails! Don't forget to review!

Later note: I'm beginning a clean-up on this story just as I did with That Blonde One. There won't be changes to the plot but hopefully there will be few typos and better grammar.


	2. It's the End of the World as We Know It

Disclaimer: I do not own FMA in any way, shape, or form. If I did, it would have to be classified as a comedy.

I be back from hiatus, y'all! Yay! A combo of health issues, mass amounts of work and the worst writer's block ever kept me from this story. I never forgot about it. I've been mulling over where to go with this story constantly and finally, today, my writer's block broke! I have the story all planned out and, dare I say, it's going to be better than my last one. Though, I must warn you, it's going to be REALLY ABSURD. It is not intended to be serious in any conceivable way. There seems to have been some confusion about that with my last story. It's also wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong on so many levels! I have a really perverted mind and I'm hoping you all to too. Lol

o0o

Roy stomped into his office. He had a disturbing dream, Hughes knew it, and to top it all off, he was late for work. Glowering at everyone he passed, he realized that none of them looked particularly afraid of him. Some were snickering, some looked disturbed, some even looked disgusted. What was up with these people? It wasn't as though people never came in late for work. Hell, it wasn't like _he_ was never late. People would normally be concerned if he wasn't acting like his usual, slacker self, but today seemed to be anything but normal. Roy decided to ignore it all and sat down at his desk to start his paper work. He just wanted to get the image of Ed moaning with pleasure out of his head.

Mustang actually finished all of his paper work. Every time he would get up to do something, the staring and sniggering would start anew so he decided to just stay put. Now that all of his work was finished, Roy began to get bored. He had nothing to do, but it was not time to leave yet. His mind started to wander…

"Uh, ah, harder Mustang," Ed moaned and Roy obliged gladly.

"You're so…ugh…You're so tight Fullmetal." Roy's face was buried in Ed's long, unbound hair. The feeling of steel mixed with flesh beneath him made the moment all the more erotic, the coolness of the metal contrasting with the slick warmth of Ed's skin and he silkiness of the inner walls stroking him to completion, clenching around him now as Ed found release. Roy kept thrusting. He had a while to go yet and he wasn't stopping now. He gripped Ed's shoulders, one flesh, one metal, trying to squeeze one more orgasm out of his little lover. Suddenly, Roy realized where he was.

"Crap! I have to get some fresh air." Before anyone could respond, Mustang sprinted out of the room. Why? What did he ever do to be tormented like this? This day was just so horribly odd. At that moment, Roy spotted Hawkeye down the hall and ran toward her calling out for her to "Hold on a minute".

"Wow. You haven't done your laundry in a while have you?" Hawkeye commented.

"So the uniform's a little wrinkled. It wouldn't be the first time. Look, you have to help me. People keep laughing at me and giving me funny looks. Why?" Mustang was getting desperate. Hawkeye pointed to his left shoulder and continued on her way. Slowly, Roy turned his head to look where Riza had indicated. When his head swiveled to the right angle, he wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor. In his post-dream haze he must have grabbed the jacket he wore to the strip club. He liked to wear his uniform coat when he went out to pick up girls and look cool, but he wasn't feeling especially cool at the moment with a very obvious white stain on his shoulder.

Mustang quickly pulled off his coat, carefully folding the stain out of sight. His work was finished, so he figured it wouldn't be too bad if he went straight home to do some laundry. Though deep down he knew he'd go home even if he had a mountain of work left. This had to be one of the most humiliating days of his life. That fact was reinforced when Mustang overheard Havoc talking to Hawkeye.

"Why did you have to tell him? It was so funny seeing him walking around totally oblivious to that GIANT come stain!"

"Havoc, Colonel Mustang is your superior and I won't have you talking about him like that" Riza replied, sternly.

"I hate you, Ed!" Mustang growled to himself.

o0o A Few Hours Later o0o

"Why? Why do these things have to happen to me?" Roy wondered aloud as he sat at his kitchen table eating cookies straight from the jar, a half-empty glass of milk sitting nearby. He had changed into his pajamas. He didn't want to go anywhere or do anything or see anyone. He didn't want to get drunk lest he do anything else fantastically stupid that he'd never live down. Cookies and milk: that was the answer now. That would solve everything. If he could just lose himself in the endorphins of high blood sugar…

A knock on the door cut into his regressive state. "Go away!" he cried desperately.

"Roy, let me in. You can't hide from this forever." It was Hughes. Mumbling that hiding for a few hours could hardly be considered 'forever', the Colonel slumped over to the door and yanked it open.

"What do you want?" Roy squinted in the evening light coming through the open door.

"Well…" Hughes was a little taken aback at his friend's bedraggled and chocolaty appearance. "First I want to tell you to wash your face." Mustang put a hand to his face and it came away smeared with chocolate. With a grunt, Roy let Maes in and went to put away the cookies and wash his face.

When he had finished, Hughes gave him a stern look. "I know what's bothering you and I think you should just swallow your pride and admit that Ed won this one. It really isn't the end of the wo…"

"Yes it is!" Mustang insisted, grabbing his friend for emphasis. "You don't even begin to understand, Maes. I've lost my mind!"

"That I do understand. Roy, get dressed and let's go face this, okay? We're going to go back to the club and we're going to buy some drinks and you're going to let this go."

Mustang pondered for a few seconds. Maes might just be right. He usually was at any rate, but Roy really didn't want to go. Maes was studying his sullen look. Then Roy saw it. There was that manic gleam in Hughes's eye. Mustang's suspicions were conformed. Maes was reaching into his pocket. Roy didn't want to go out but he REALLY didn't want to look at pictures of Elisia. "That would be a great idea! Just…let me change!" Mustang bolted to his room.

He dressed in civilian clothes and the two set out toward the club, which was within reasonable walking distance from Roy's house.

Before long, Roy felt almost normal again. He and Hughes talked about business mostly. Roy even had the will to wink at a pretty lady. Soon the club was in sight and Mustang began to consider what he'd like to drink. Then, it all went to hell.

People began to snigger and point. "Back for more? You don't look like the masochistic type but if being humiliated is your fetish…"

Another person complained, "That cute little blonde left right after you came here. She had a nice butt too!"

Mustang glanced at Hughes for help and met with an expression mirroring his own feeling concerning the situation. Without another word both men turned and walked briskly back to Roy's house. When they reached their destination, they plopped down at the kitchen table and took the opportunity to exchange another bewildered look. Maes sighed and pushed to cookie jar toward his friend.

Through a mouth full of cookie, Mustang proclaimed, "See Maes, it IS the end of the world!"

o0o

Yay! I finally updated! Thank you for your patience and to all who reviewed. This takes so much energy. It makes me laugh though, and that's what's important! I tried to make this chapter longish. I don't think it's as long as I would have liked but at least it's here, right? It's going to get uber twisted in the next chapter. I hope it's not too extreme for people. Elricest anyone?


	3. Insane Things Occur

A/N: Elricest warning!!! May I also remind the readers/possible flamers that this is meant to be a parody and that I don't take any of this seriously in any way. Y'all can take it however you want. I just want you to know that I really grossed myself out writing this thing like this aren't a typical part of my mental repertoire.

o0o

"This is wrong," Al thought. "This is stupid. I don't even have hormones! Why am I thinking like this?" Al had been sitting at his brother's bedside for hour now just staring at Ed's sleeping face. He could not get images of Ed dancing seductively out of his mind. He couldn't help but want his body back just so he could feel his brother's skin and hair and feel the warmth of their bodies together and kiss… No! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! "I'm not a pervert!" Al hissed to himself, covering the front of his helmet to clear his mind. After a time, he removed his hands and looked at Ed again. Yep, still sexy. "Ugh!" Al rose and decided to take a walk.

While Ed had been busy discovering his feminine side, Al had been doing some delving of his own. Ed and Al had always been close and never shied away from touching each other, but what Al had been feeling as of late was something beyond that mundane brotherliness he had felt before, way beyond brotherliness. Every time he saw Ed now, all he could think of was touching him in ways he knew was improper. The magazine he "borrowed" from Havoc's desk last week wasn't helping either. It was planting all sorts of _new_ ideas in his head when he shouldn't have had the original ideas in the first place. What disturbed Al most though, was that the magazine had men with women, but he was thinking about doing those things with another male. If this magazine was perverse then what did that make him? Depraved? He had to know! This was driving him crazy. Al turned and headed to the place that he and Ed always went when they had a burning question: the library.

Upon reaching the library, Al searched frantically through the card catalogue looking for some sort of topic that might hold the answers he sought. He eventually made mental note of a few volumes in the psychology section and set about reading. He found his reading quite enlightening, especially the section on homosexuality. It was something he had heard of but didn't know much about. It wasn't exactly a readily discussed topic. Al then went to search for more books on the subject. One book was particularly graphic about exactly how a homosexual would go about adapting the kinds of things Al had seen in Havoc's magazine to a male on male encounter. This probably explained why he had to sneak the book out of a restricted section, which is not a small feat when one happens to be 7 feet tall, and made of metal.

Al sighed. That was his only problem. He was made of metal and he didn't think he could wait long enough to get his body back. He wanted his brother, now. Even is he did have his body back, there was no telling how Ed would feel about any of this. But Al couldn't go on like this forever, so he decided that he would just talk to Ed about how he was feeling. Maybe Ed would think of something that Al hadn't. Ed was good at that sort of thing, thinking outside of the box. Al was still afraid that Ed would freak out and never speak to him again. Still, there was just a little inkling of hope that Ed would feel the same way as he and that everything would work out somehow. Ed tended to be pretty crazy after all. Al made up his mind. He would talk to Ed.

Mustang had had a rough might. He was still nursing a bruised ego from the taunting he received the night before. What made matters worse was that he still couldn't stop thinking about Ed. Worse still, he was beginning to think he HAD enjoyed what Ed had done to him that afternoon at the club. He was Roy Mustang, the biggest playboy in Central. How could he be gay?! There was only one thing he could think of to do. He had to talk to Ed. He didn't know what he would say but somehow he had to prove to himself that he wasn't gay. He hoped that Fullmetal would act like a brat when he tried to talk to him and then Roy could hate him again and be finished with all of this idiocy.

Ed awoke to a knock at the door to his room. "Come in," he grumbled. Ed's spirits lifted immediately when he saw Al walk into the room. Ed was beginning to feel much better and being confined to bed was starting to wear on his nerves. "Hey, Al!"

"Hello brother. I wanted to talk to you about something."

"Sure Al," Ed replied. "You know I'm always happy to talk to you. Though, at this point I'd even talk to Mustang I'm getting so bored being cooped up in here. Anyway, what did you want to talk about?"

"Well…" Al could feel his courage draining away. 'Come on Alphose, now or never!' Al gave himself a pep talk and thankfully it popped a stopper into his courage-drain and he continued. "Ed, I've been having these weird feelings. I think they're bad but I can't help feeling them."

"What kind of feelings, Al?" inquired Edward.

"I…um…it's a feeling like I'm supposed to feel for a girl, but I feel it for a boy." Al was really beginning to get nervous.

Ed pondered for a moment and then asked, "Who's the boy?"

"Well you see that's the problem. It…It's you, brother. Pleasedon'thateme!!!"

Ed had to admit he was more than a little taken aback by his brother's sudden admission.

"I…uh…It…I could never hate you, Al." That was one thing that Ed was sure of in the mess of thoughts now cluttering his mind. Another thing he was sure about was that he didn't reciprocate Al's feelings. Still, his curiosity was peaked.

"Al, if I said I liked you in that way too, what would you do?"

Before he could think at all, the whole story from his stirrings during Ed's last mission to what he'd read in the library all came spilling out if his helmet.

Ed listened to all of this and tried to keep his expression neutral. Al was obviously very disturbed about this and Ed really didn't want any subconscious facial expression to make his brother even more uncomfortable. When Al had finished, Ed was still thinking very hard about what to do. He had shoved his own emotions aside in favor of properly attending to those of another, something he could bring himself to do only for Al. Finally, Ed decided to ask the question at the forefront of his mind.

"What would you do if I didn…" Ed stopped in mid-sentence as Al's posture slumped. "It doesn't matter." Ed had come to a decision. "It's okay if you do those things to me." Ed couldn't bear to see Al so sad. He didn't care about his own feelings at this point. He clapped his hands together and shaped the metal of Al's armor into a metal, alchemic phallus.

Mustang strode down the halls of the hospital wing with purpose. He had to hate Ed. If it was the last thing he did, he had to get his mind back to normal. The hall was deserted thankfully so there was no one to inquire as to the reason for his presence. He would hate to fuel any rumors my having to tell someone that he was here to see Ed. "I'm not gay!" he whispered vehemently to himself. He could see the door to Ed's room now…and there were strange noises coming from behind it. Roy followed the sounds of grunting and metallic clanking.

When he reached the source, he pressed his ear to the door and nearly lost his lunch. The sounds coming from the roof were unmistakably those of sex. Roy would know. However, to his horror the only voices he heard were Ed's and Al's. Yes, judging from the sound his armor was making, Al was defiantly a predicament in this little love-fest. Through his shock, Roy couldn't help but wonder how the brothers were pulling this off, Al being a hunk of steel and all. He quietly pushed the door open a crack and peered through.

The spectacle before him did not illicit the revulsion that he had anticipated it would. What he saw was Ed's butt with a big, shiny, metallic dick shoved up it. He never knew that such an absurd site could turn his on so much but his own dick conformed that that was exactly what was happening to him. Roy's eyes moved up to Ed's face, contorted with pain and pleasure. Sweat had plastered the blonde bangs to the reddened face. Roy was now really beginning to wish he was the one pounding into Ed like that, drawing out the moans from those full lips. 'No! No! No! I'm not thinking this!' In desperation, Roy moved his gaze to Al. It was obvious that, even though he couldn't feel any of this, he was very pleased at the effect he was having on his brother. Roy also noticed that Al's newly acquired genitalia were proportional to his size. Roy also couldn't help but notice how big Al was in proportion to Ed. Roy's own equipment could never compare to Al's. How could he get Ed to want him when Ed probably wouldn't even be able to feel him after this. Then, Roy realized that he was jealous of a kid. With that thought, he turned and walked back from whence he came. That was that. Roy wanted Ed. Al had Ed. The only question now was what Roy was going to do about it.

o0o

What is Roy going to do about it? I lost my notes so I'm not sure. I guess we'll figure it out together, won't we?


	4. Reflections

It was the wee hours of the morning and Colonel Roy Mustang was still mulling over how he was going to get the lovely Edward Elric to be his. The day's ponderings had produced very little. At this point, the best he had come up with was to go rushing into Ed's room, drop to his knees, and proceed to beg Ed to have sex with him. Somehow, Roy didn't think it would go over all that well, so he continued to deliberate.

He just couldn't get those images out of his head. He had turned his back when Ed had had to jack himself off in Roy's office. Mustang didn't get the privilege then to see how gorgeous Ed looked in the midst of an orgasm. The way his skin tinged with pink as drops of sweat trickled across it as though he were caught in a light rain was just mind-blowing. Roy would never forget that hair either. He had always secretly liked to see it unbound. It was made all the more beautiful yesterday when Ed threw his head back at the moment of climax. The sweat mixed in make darker streaks in the fall of gold. It had taken everything within Roy to keep from running in, twining his fingers in that hair, and capturing those full, soft-looking lips with his own. It should have been kisses that stifled the boy's cries, not gritted teeth. But most of all he wanted to look into the depths of Ed's eyes just before they closed in bliss.

Roy decided that there was only one way to go about this. He was going to have to do it delicately. He would woo Edward properly. Yes, that was the right idea. He would be nicer to the kid. Then maybe Fullmetal would start to like Mustang and then Mustang could "grudgingly" consent to taking his subordinate to bed. But what if that DIDN'T work? What if Ed wasn't that type? What if he had actually liked being taunted all along? He could do that. He could make Fullmetal's life a living hell. Mustang was good at that, but if Ed didn't like that then it would make him hate Mustang even more than he probably already did. Hmmm… what if he was being too implicit about his feelings? It wasn't as though Fullmetal was the sharpest knife in the drawer. What if he couldn't figure out the messages that Roy was trying to convey? He could always just go into Ed's room and directly convince him to have sex. Well that could be a last resort, but what if Ed wouldn't be convinced? What then? Begging! Yup, yup, yup. Roy just knew he had to have Ed. He'd go crazy if he didn't. Okay, so first he'd be nice, then he'd try being mean. If that didn't work, he'd take the direct root, and if all else failed he beg Ed to have sex until he gave in from sheer annoyance. Yeah, that would work. Ed would be Roy's for sure. Colonel Roy Mustang went to bed contentedly that night. A certain Alphonse Elric was still up contemplating though.

Even though Al was no longer of flesh and blood, he could have sworn that this heart was racing. He had been sitting on the floor of his room for the past few hours simply replaying the picturesque scenario in which he had participated that evening. If he had lungs Al would have been breathless. In his mind's eye he could still see the light from the setting sun glistening on Ed's golden hair and wished desperately that he could have felt it sliding across his fingers as he gripped it. He longed to feel the slickness of Ed's skin, covered in sweat from the heat of their passion, pressed slicked to his own burning warm, soft skin. This was yet another reason that Al had now to get his body back. Ed had looked like he enjoyed what Al did to him and Al had enjoyed it to but only in an empathetic way. He was happy that he was pleasing Ed, but Al still felt cheated. In his research, he read that he was supposed to feel pleasure too. He would have if he had his body. As it was, most of his thoughts were taken up with making sure that he was not hurting Ed. In his armor, Al was much stronger than a normal human and he couldn't tell how much force he was using just by feeling. He knew if he lost concentration his could tear Ed apart. Al sighed in consternation. He knew it was going to be along time until he got his wish. He wondered if Ed would still be so willing when that time came. What if Ed was married by then? "I have to stop this right now," Al thought. "I'm going to drive myself even crazier than I already am." Al then promptly went to bed.

Ed was still in shock after what had happened. He had put on a cheerful face for Al. He had said that he liked it all so much and reassured his little brother that there was nothing to worry about. Then he shooed Al off to bed claiming that he was tired. That had not been a lie. He was tired, but he knew he'd never be able to sleep, at least not for a while. His mind was still too full of thoughts. He honestly wasn't sure about how he felt about his brother's feelings toward him. He knew, as he said, he could never hate Al. He just wasn't sure if he loved Al quite in the way that Al seemed to love him. He also knew he never wanted to do what he had just done ever again. His butt hurt really badly. He just hoped that the doctor or nurse wouldn't, for whatever, reason look too closely at that area of his body. He wondered what he would do if Al wanted to do it again. He didn't want to say "no" for fear that Al would think he held any sort of malice for him. Ed crossed his arms over his chest and scooted lower into the bed, a small growl of frustration escaping him. He would just have to hope that Al didn't ask. He could think of no way of refusing that would not make his sensitive sibling feel rejected. Ed's brain hurt. He just wanted to forget everything and get the sleep his tired body screamed for. Just then a sly grin spread across Ed's face. He gave a sinister chuckle as he gave his morphine button a few extra clicks. Before long he was drifting into an untroubled sleep.

Al woke up the next morning. The sun was shining brightly though the window. He held up an arm to shield his eyes from the light. That was strange. How could his eyes hurt if he did not have eyes? Then Al looked at the arm in from of his face. It was peach-toned and fleshy, a real arm. He ran to the mirror in sheer elation. Looking back at him from the mirror was a face of flesh and blood. Al raised his hands to touch his face to make sure it was real. It was. Not only did he have a face but he could feel it. He rushed to tell Ed. When he entered Ed's hospital room, he was surprised to find that Ed had been expecting him. In fact Ed was laying on the bed in one of his stripper outfits. "Come here you sexy thing!" Ed purred. Al took an uncertain step forward when Roy Mustang walked forward from a place inside the room that was outside his range of vision. Ed sat up a little more to hold his arms out to receive Mustang.

"No! This cant be happening," Al cried.

"You're right, Al," Ed said in the same tone with which he had addressed Mustang. "It isn't happening." Then both Ed and Mustang faced Al and began to point and laugh.

Al woke up the next morning. The sun was shining brightly through the window. The light caused Al no pain, but that didn't mean he wasn't hurting.

o0o

No one probably even remembers this fic. Oh well. That's okay. I just have to finish this thing. It's been bugging me every day for probably the past year. I didn't was to write because I honestly didn't want to write it like I planned. I planned this fic with what I thought the readers would want in mind and I should know better. I never write well (or at all) when I'm not writing something how I want to write it, so that's what I'm going to do. I found my notes months ago, but I'm not going to use them. I'm just gonna write this however I want whether people like it of not. At least then it will get finished, and it WILL be finished. I already finished about ¼ of the next chapter in like 10 min.


	5. In the light of day

Mustang got out of bed extra early that morning and dressed hastily

Mustang got out of bed extra early that morning and dressed hastily. This was going to be day one of his plan to win Ed. He had to give this his all. He had to make sure that if he failed, it wasn't from lack of effort. He hurried to the flower shop. Once there Roy deliberated over which kind of flower he should buy. He considered daisies. They were cheerful and would be great to send someone as a "get well" gift. Then Roy mentally slapped himself. He wasn't looking for a "get well" gift, not really. He was looking for something to woo Ed. It had to be roses then, but what color? He couldn't get yellow. Yellow was for friendship and that definitely wasn't the message he was trying to send. He wasn't sure he wanted to choose red roses either thought because that would be really obvious and would defiantly raise a few eyebrows. Pink? No way! There was no way that Roy Mustang would associate himself with anything pink. What color would he get? No…not white. Ed might think he was wishing him death, which considering their relationship so far, would be an easy conclusion to come to. Just then Mustang's eyes settled on some orange roses. Yeah, that was it! Orange for fiery passion, but yet it was not the stereotypical red either. Without another thought, Mustang seized the roses and proceeded to buy them.

After accomplishing this first mission, Roy hurried to the kitchen that supplied food to the hospital ward. He requested that the cook make a special breakfast for Ed and include the roses he bought. "Wow, sir! You're being awfully nice to this guy," the cook commented. Roy thought fast. "Well, he got injured completing an important mission, one that defiantly didn't injure my reputation with the higher-ups, so the least I can do is thank the guy. I want him to keep up the good work after all." The cook seemed to buy it. Roy's ambitious nature was certainly not a secret. After that Mustang went into his office in an unusually good mood. He sat down as his desk and started working on some paper work. He was working for about 10 minutes before he felt the stare. Apparently Hawkeye had entered sometime before to report in for the morning. She had not even expected the Colonel to even be there let alone actually working. She was now standing, openmouthed, just inside the room. "What is it? Is there a squirrel on my head or something?" Mustang inquired, confused at Hawkeye's expression.

"No, Sir. You're just here…and…working," Hawkeye stammered.

"Isn't that what I'm _supposed_ to be doing?"

"That's exac…Uh…Yes, sir. Never mind."

Ed shifted uncomfortably in his hospital bed. He felt as though someone had rammed a hippopotamus up his back side. He wondered is perhaps he should have made Al a little smaller. He hadn't felt the pain at first because of adrenaline coursing through his veins and after that he had felt nothing at all due to excessive morphine dosage. Fortunately the nurse had not noticed anything out of the ordinary when she checked Ed that morning. _Un_fortunately, she had found Ed in such good health that she decided that he was no longer in need of morphine. Ed had opened his mouth to protest that he, in fact, had a great need for morphine, however, that would have led to an awkward conversation so Ed did not voice his opposition. So now he lay, staring up at the ceiling, confused and in pain. He still didn't quite know what he should do if Al ever asked him to do something like that again. He was starting to lean toward saying, "Hell no!" He didn't want to hurt his brother but at the same time, Ed wasn't sure how much more hurt his ass could take. Turning over on his side Ed muttered, "I'm hungry."

As if on cue, a nurse's assistant walked in with a breakfast tray. "Oh, you're awake Major Elric, Sir!" she exclaimed with surprise.

"Yeah, that's cause your stupid boss took my morphine," Ed mumbled.

"I'm sorry, what sis you say sir?"

"Never mind."

Ed winced as he turned over on his back and hoisted himself into a sitting position. He mentally chastised himself for lying on his side as his bitten shoulder throbbed with pain. Neither side was safe to lay on. One shoulder was healing, the other adjusting to new automail. His chagrin was erased at that moment, as was practically every thought in his whirling brain, at the sight of the most enticing breakfast he'd seen in a long time. After marveling at it for a bit, Ed wiped the drool off of his mouth to enquire as to the reason for the feast.

"Oh! Your commanding officer, Colonel Mustang, requested that it be made for you as thanks for your hard work on your last mission. He even gave you flowers to brighten up your morning. He must be a nice person to work with." More to herself than to Ed, the assistant continued, "Is he single?" She looked down to see Ed poking the bacon quizzically with his fork as tough it would jump up and bite him.

"What's the matter, Sir?"

Ed jumped ever so slightly and looked at the speaker. "Oh…well…" He wasn't sure how to explain his relationship with Mustang. He opted for speaking his mind. "Actually, the guy's a total bastard." Deciding this wasn't a practical joke, Ed began to dig in. "He does everything he can to make my life miserable. The only reason he's probably doing this is because in him in better with the higher-ups. He tends to get pretty dramatic about that sort of thing. Seriously, you don't want to go out with him. He's a shallow, over-ambitious, bastard."

"Oh…oka..." The nurse's assistant was about to accept Ed's advice when he jaw dropped and she became totally lost in oogling none other then Roy Mustang. The man had, at that very moment, swept into the room. Surprisingly though, she passed the woman up and headed strait for Ed.

"What the hell is _he _doing here?!" Ed thought.

Mustang's thoughts were a whirl of panic. "What the hell and I doing here?!"

o0o

Okay I confess. This is a REALLY difficult story to write. I thought I'd have this posted sooner and that it would be longer but I got swamped with 5 papers and three projects the moment got back to school. This is the first weekend I've slept in my own bed in a month. My point is that I'm not being slow because I'm lazy or because I hate you all. It's because I've been very busy and my _teachers_ hate _me_. I _will_ finish this by June, damn it! I think I'm going to have to do more frequent smaller updates instead of trying to make the chapters long 'cause it ain't gonna happen.


	6. Awry Part 1

Roy stared at Ed

Roy stared at Ed.

Ed started at Roy.

The nurse stared at Roy too…but for a different reason that Ed was staring at him.

After a moment of this Roy regained his composure and said, "I hope you're enjoying your breakfast, Fullmetal. It was the least I could do after you got hurt." Ed pondered this for a few moments. He wasn't about to trust the Colonel so easily.

"What do you want, Mustang?" Ed asked. "Do you have some other psychotic plan you want me to carry out or did the higher-ups just give you a promotion?"

"Can't I just say thank you?!"

"Well, considering that you never have before, no. I don't think you can."

"Why?" Roy was in Ed's face now.

"Because you're a selfish bastard who can't ev…"

Ed didn't finish his statement due to the fact that Mustang's mouth was now clamped over his. Both men were frozen in shock for some moments. Neither was expecting this, not even Mustang. They were brought back to reality by a scream and a clatter. The nurse and dropped her clip board in shock. Mustang quickly detached himself from Ed's face and grabbed the nurse's arm once she had regained her chip board.

"You never say that. That's an order," he ground out.

The nurse nodded numbly, still in shock, and then rushed out of the room. Mustang then turned to Ed. The boy looked like he was about to return the breakfast he had just eaten to the plate. At that, Mustang bolted from the room. He couldn't believe it. How had he lost control like that? Now everything was ruined. Furthermore, he now knew that Ed did not feel any sort of attraction to him at all. That meant that the hand job at the club had been meant simply to embarrassment, a simple adolescent, locker-room style prank. The kid had gone totally unaffected by their intimate contact over the last mission. Mustang didn't know quite what to make of it. Maybe it was because Ed and Al were together, like beyond brothers. Mustang grimaced at the thought. This was getting weirder and weirder. He had to find out and there was only one way to do that. He had to talk to Al.

Ed stared after Mustang. "This was getting way too weird. Ever since I started that damn mission, everyone has been hitting on me." Ed couldn't take it any more. He wanted his old life back. He slipped out of bed and edged over to where his clothes were. He struggles into his pants and boots without dislodging any sensors. He knew that wasn't going to happen with his shirt as well though. He took a deep breath and counted to three. First he pulled out his anti-biotic IV. Then he took off his heart rate monitor. Immediately the alarm sounded. Ed pulled on his shirt, grabbed his coat and bolted. Just as he started down the hall, he heard a doctor yell, "He's trying to escape! Stop him!" When Ed glanced over his shoulder, he saw that a small contingent of doctors and nurses (who had originally come to save his supposedly fading life) were now sprinting down the hall after him. "Oh crap," Ed groaned and sped up. The chase was on.

o0o

Why do my stories seem to end in chase scenes? Oh well, they're fun and chaotic. This is about the length that my updates will be and they'll be posted at the rate of one or two a week. I think that's probably better than one or two a year. It just turned out that I changed a lot after entering college and this story that I had started just…wasn't me any more, so I became really difficult to write. I hope you liked this installment. Get ready for a crazy/awkward conclusion in the not-so-far future. I think the ending will be more satisfying than that of the last fic.


	7. Awry Part 2

"You'll never catch me you bastards

"You'll never catch me you bastards!!"

Ed rounded a corner, the contingent of doctors and staff still in hot pursuit. How was he going to get out of this one? He searched frantically for a way to get away from them. Just as he heard the swarm about to turn the corner after him, he spotted a vent near the floor. Without a second thought, he tore off the cover and wriggled in, replacing the cover behind himself. As he crawled further into the vent tunnel he heard the throng of footsteps passing him. He froze so no one would hear him. The footsteps stopped a little bit past Ed.

"Which way did he go?!" someone questioned. Murmuring ensued as each person pondered the question.

At that moment, Ed felt a tickle on his hand. He went to scratch it only to find that his hand seemed to have gotten hairier in the last few minutes. Ed stifled on outcry as he beheld the giant hairy spider that had made itself at home on the back of his hand.

"You go that way we'll go this way." The hunters had decided on a plan of action and began to split up and run off. Ed's breathing quickened. The footfalls grew farther away. Ed was beginning to brake into a sweat. Sounds of pursuit could hardly be heard. Ed thought he might faint. Silence…

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! GETOFFGETOFFGETOFFGETOOOOOOFF!" Ed watched the spider scuttle though the grate and out into the hall as fast as it could go, now just as frightened of Ed as Ed was of it. Having avoided all obstacles, he scooted himself around until he faced the other way as crawled into the ventilation network of central.

He crawled for some minutes until he decided to look out and see where he was. He looked out the next vent he came to. He didn't recognize the area. It looked like some place that he probably wasn't supposed to be so to avoid getting another throng of angry employees after him, Ed opted to keep crawling. Everything was going well for a while. That is, until Ed realized that it was getting dark and that there were no more vents. Furthermore, the tunnel was beginning to go steadily downward. Soon there was no light all and Ed was beginning to feel claustrophobic. He just prayed that he would not hit a dead end. Soon the floor leveled. Ed continued on in darkness. He breathed sigh of relief when he started to travel up again. He could even see a vent ahead.

Still, Ed sighed his relief too soon. Just then the tunnel all around him began to shudder and shake. Ed winced as a wall of hot air hit him in the face. He groaned and opened his eyes just a bit only to scream at the sight that greeted him. Another huge, hairy spider had gotten caught in the draft and hit him in the face just then. He wrenched it off and crawled blindly toward the vent as fast as he could. When he felt the grate, he burst through not caring where he might end up. He brushed himself off frantically to dislodge any lingering arachnoids. That task completed, he looked around at where he was…and a truly evil grin unfolded across his face.

Al jumped up in surprise as none other than Colonel Mustang burst into his room. "What is it Colonel? Is Ed okay?!" Al asked, concerned.

"Actually, it's Ed I'm here to ask you about." Mustang was suddenly nervous. "Um…I was wondering if you and are…you know…more than brothers." There, Mustang had said it. He waited nervously for the answer. Meanwhile Al's mind was in a panic. What had Mustang seen? What should he say? Was Mustang trying to take Ed away from him? Before he could stop himself Al blurted out the first thing that popped into his head, "Ed is mine!" Realizing what he had just said, Al's hands flew to cover his mouth. The damage had already been done though.

"Oh he is, is he?" The tension in Mustang's voice was palpable.

"Ed _is_ mine and he'll never be yours. He _hates_ you!"

Mustang saw red. That was it! He launched himself at Al without a second thought. It was ON!

"I _hate_ this guy!" Ed exclaimed as he hurled a paper weight against that wall. Ed had emerged in the office of nine other than Colonel Roy Mustang. He was not proceeding to trash his superior's workspace. It was a great outlet for all of the frustration he had been feeling lately, that vast majority of it triggered by Mustang. Ed winced at the pain in his bitten shoulder. He wasn't stopping now though. He grabbed a panel of the curtains and ran, letting out a maniacal chuckle at the satisfying rip when the fabric gave way. He then proceeded to wrap the curtain around himself like a royal robe and jump atop Mustang's desk. He took extra care to step on anything that looked important. "I'm Roy Mustang and I think I'm the best!" Ed mocked. "When I'm Fuehrer everyone will kiss my ass and all of the pretty women will sleep with me!" Ed jumped down from the desk and continued to rampage.

o0o

A/N: I think the next chapter is going to end up being the last. It's just ending up that way. I hope you all have enjoyed the story. NO SEQUAL!! I hate to say it but I'm really happy to be rid of this story. It's been hanging over my head for years when I've had so many other things to do. Another note, ironically, after writing the first half of this story I retuned to my room only to have, yep, a spider hanging in front of me at the top of the landing. I hate spiders (love snakes though).


	8. Anticlimactic

Yeah I know

Yeah I know. I was supposed to have this finished over a month ago but I got really busy and then I got really depressed and decided to wait on the last chapter lest I simply kill everyone out of my distress, Unfortunately it doesn't look like things are going to get any better so I'll just get in with this and try to exercise some self-control. Here it is: the last chapter. This could be really terrible…

o0o

Ed looked at the room around him. He gave a satisfied sigh, "Beautiful. It's just beautiful." Indeed it was beautiful. From top to bottom and bottom to top Mustang's office was an Elricish work of art. The carpets were painted with ink from every single one of the Colonel's pens. It was also littered with festive confetti that once was oh-so-drab official documents and a few silly award certificates. Furniture stuffing adorned every surface in the office like new-fallen snow. The furniture pieces had had their upholstery stylishly slit and charming fringe had been glued on using fabric that was once used as curtains that once kept the office so dark and drab. Those old books on the wall shelves had needed a little sun-bleaching anyway. They were much to dark and drab and until the books has been properly bleached Ed had been so kind as to remove them from the shelves and, in their place draw lovely murals depicting some of Colonel Mustang's most "stunning" achievements.

With that Ed tore himself away from his masterpiece of interior decoration and slipped out the door. Then a realization dawned on him. Where was he going to go? It's not like he could hide out forever. Maybe he wouldn't need to though. Perhaps, by his escape, the doctors would be convinced that he was healthy enough to be able to leave the hospital. Ed shrugged and headed toward his and Al's room. As he walked, he thought about what he would say to Al about his feelings and pondered the reason for the Colonel's strange treatment to him. He didn't have too long to think, however. Just as he rounded the third corner on his journey he heard someone yell "There he is!" Ed turned to see the crowd of heath workers advancing toward him once again. Once again, Ed did the only thing that he could think of: run away screaming.

Mustang wiped a train of blood off of the corner of his mouth. He was beginning to realize how ridiculous this was.

"Come on. Try again or do you concede that Ed is mine?" Al said triumphantly. Mustang had yet to even put a dent in the armor of Al's body. Mustang, however, was not in such good shape. His knuckles were bleeding, his mouth and nose were bleeding and he was fairly certain that he had broken at least two toes. Not to mention he was drenched in sweat. He had been pummeling the kid for the past half hour. Al had just been standing there and occasionally punching mustang in the face and giggling to himself.

Despite his hopeless predicament Mustang was not about to give up on his pursuit of Ed just yet. Thus he continued to kick and punch Al. After another minute or so Al spoke up. "Colonel Mustang, I'm getting bored. Could you PLEASE just give up?"

"Never," Mustang huffed.

"Well at least let me get a book or something."

At that moment the door banged open and Ed skidded into the room. He quirked an eyebrow at the spectacle before him, "I'm not sure I even want to know…"

"Ed! Tell him that your mine!" Al insisted.

Mustang ceased his assault, "Don't listen to him! You're going to be with me!"

Ed was dumbfounded by the weirdness. His brother and this bastard were fighting over his affections.

If things could get any crazier, another voice added to the sequence. "Major Elric! You will come with us now!"

Ed found his voice then. "I'm not going anywhere with any one! I'm just not gay, dammit! I'm totally okay." Every eye in the room followed Ed as he flopped down on his bed and screamed into the pillow. Then he turned over on his back and mumbled angry, incoherent gripings.

"Well, I guess you doo seem to be much better," the head doctor conceded. "I'll get the paperwork in order for your release." The doctors and nurses filed out, muttering to each other.

There was a moment of silence and then Ed began to chuckle. "What the hell is so funny?!" Mustang yelled in consternation.

"You look like shit and all of those doctors and nurses just walked out on you. I guess you're just not as significant as you think you are."

"What?! You disrespectful midget?!"

Ed froze…then tensely got to his feet. After a brief mental wind up, he charged Mustang. Al caught Ed before he got within striking distance.

"Who are you calling a weird little insect that's so small that its brain isn't even big enough to comprehend its weirdness?!"

Mustang just stared and then said, "I defiantly didn't say that. I think that's your worst one yet."

Ed sighed in defeat and Al let him go. "Yeah, well things have been a little tough lately." He trotted back to his bed. "I'm going to take a nap."

Mustang shook his head. "Stupid kid." He left.

Al turned to Ed. "So…we're okay?" He asked cautiously.

"Yeah Al. We're okay. Just be patient. You'll find the right person." Ed was silent for a bit and then added, "Does this mean I get Winry?"

Al sniggered. "Yeah. I guess so."

Mustang fumed at himself all the way to his office. How could he ever have thought he felt anything for that little twerp? He was so…difficult. He defiantly disliked Edward Elric. Mustang threw open his office door and stopped dead in his tracks. No. He didn't dislike Edward Elric. He DESPISED Edward Elric with a fervent, bloody passion. When had the little bastard had time to destroy his superior's office? Roy waded into his office through the paper littering his floor. It looked like the whole room had gone through a shredder. Then Mustang's blood ran cold. Hughes stood facing the back wall giggling at some crudely drawn pictures. With horror, Mustang realized that they were of him…naked.

"Wow man. I had no idea Roy Jr. was so little," Hughes was still in stitches. Roy glared at Hughes all the way over to his desk.

"Why are you here?" he growled and sat down on, or rather through, his desk chair. Ed had had been so kind as to remove the seat before leaving the office. This has Hughes literally rolling on the floor with laughter. When he finally got control of himself, Hughes leaned over the desk to look at a rather Roy Mustang.

"Oh it's just business as usual," can Roy's answer.

"So it would seem," Roy commented on his situation. "Now help out of here!"

o0o

A/N: I knew it. I just knew this chapter would be painfully short. Oh well. Too bad. I finished how I wanted to…and I didn't kill anyone (unless you count Mustang's ego)! It's really difficult to try to write like myself three years ago. I'll be starting a new series fairly soon. I won't start posting however until I have at least five good, long chapters written so there won't be huge lags in the story like this last one. The fic will probably be of the Yu Yu Hakusho variety so if you like that anime, keep your eyes open. I hope you liked Residual Consequences. But if you didn't I don't really care. Flame away! Cheers!


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